A Few Great Gifts

A funny thing happened on the way to Christmas Day--my sister and my friend/roommate of the past two months ganged up to buy me all the things they think my home is missing. Which is how I wound up with a full-length mirror (which I used to have before a running grandchild accidentally collided with it two years ago), silicone spoon rests (thereby retiring the pottery ones I got from my great-aunt thirty years ago that were shaped like apples, but the stems had all gotten broken), a new set of dishes (to replace the remains of four separate sets I'd acquired over the past twenty years), linen dish towels (because I think hand towels are uselessly small for the bath, so I hang them in my kitchen) and a set of silverware for 12 (Really? Silverware is supposed to match? Who knew!).

And then, my wonderful sister bought me three new bras. (Guys, you can skip this paragraph. The women know whereof I speak!) In 62 years, I've never actually had a fitting session before purchasing a bra. And I've certainly NEVER spent $65 for a bra. But my sister took me for just such a fitting, and in the package under the tree were THREE, count-em, THREE brand new, well-fitted bras. BTW, I read somewhere that most women wear bras that are one size too large around the back and one cup size too small--that turned out to be exactly true for Grace.

All in all, Grace did very well this Christmas.

I hope yours was good, too.

God REST Ye Merry Grace

So much for plans to get all my shopping done ahead, and be ready for Christmas.

Here it is Christmas Eve and I still have shopping to do and presents to wrap.

I've been listening to Christmas carols and scrambling to clean house before the kids and grandkids descend upon me. Every time I hear "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen," I wonder where the 'rest' part will come in for me.

I'm thinking this month's financial report will not be good, but it will have to wait until I can breathe agains. Which, of course, is all too common with Christmas budgets--at the end, the budgeting goes out the window and I'm just trying to get everything done.

I hope you all have a peaceful Christmas and a financially better new year.

Grace: An Ungrateful Recipient

I started thinking about charitable giving in response to this post at "Grumpy Rumblings of the Untenured." Nicole and Maggie listed their favorite Christmas charities.

The point being, these were THEIR charities.

So far, so good.

Grace is not so much of a scrooge that she begrudges anyone for lobbying for their favored cause, especially at Christmas when pocketbooks are likely to be open.

But I draw the line at sending donations to MY charities in the name of other people to whom I feel obligated to give a gift.

Case in point: this year a relative of mine who usually sends small gifts to my family gave cards saying that she was not gifting this year. Instead, she made a donation on our behalf to a local animal-rescue project. Now there's nothing wrong with that particular charity; it does good work. But it is SO NOT a charity to which Grace would make a donation. (Sadly, Grace is a bit of a scrooge when it comes to animals--I don't have pets, don't want pets, and have never quite gotten the "dogs and cats are just like our children" people, even though I number those types among my friends.)

It doesn't feel like a gift at all. In fact, I would rather my relative had sent a card and said she wasn't sending gifts this year--given the economy, that would have been understandable. Instead she makes unwarranted assumptions about the charities I care to support. To put it another way, I wouldn't be making contributions to Planned Parenthood in the names of certain friends of mine who I know support Right To Life.

Nicole and Maggi think I should get over it--any donation beats an ugly sweater or a bath set. (I agree about the sweater, but I happen to like bath sets!)

The truth is, I won't confront my relative. I know she means well.

But, hey! This is what blogs are for. I can at least warn YOU about my feelings on the subject.

And I don't think I'm alone.

The Great Giftcard Controversy

A few years ago, I gave my sister a giftcard from Eddie Bauer. I knew she liked their products; I needed to find another $50 item for her; and my daughter who was working at Eddie Bauer for the Christmas season could use her 20% discount to get the card for me.

Win-Win, right?

Omigod! You would have thought I'd given my sister a lump of coal.

She let me know in no uncertain terms that a giftcard is thoughtless, a lazy shopper's way out and no way for loving sisters to exchange gifts.

So, lesson learned.

Except that this year, when I queried my children and grandchildren about gifts they'd like to see under the Christmas tree, a surprisingly large number WANTED gift cards--cards to Victoria's Secret, IKEA, Amazon.com, Starbuck's and Nordstrom's.

I can understand, given my somewhat eccentric tastes, why some of my family might NOT want Grace picking out individual gifts but cards bother me a little since it then becomes clear to everyone exactly how much I'm spending on them for Christmas.

Also, how many ways can one wrap a giftcard so that it is any kind of surprise?

Finally, I worry that some of my adult children will spend the giftcards for regular living expenses, not something special for Christmas.

But is that any of my business? If one of my daughters wants to use the giftcard for her boyfriend, should it matter to me? If one uses the giftcard for groceries instead of the clothes I wanted her to buy, what of it?

I'm not a person who particularly likes to shop. Giving giftcards makes it very easy for me, and in many ways, I appreciate that.

In the end, I probably will give cards to those who requested them.

But NOT to my sister!

NEVER again, to my sister!

November Recap

OK--so far, so good for a start to the holiday season.

My total indebtedness has receded by $347.76 to $89,772.44. Not great (though I'm glad to get out of the 90 thousands into the 80's), but I'm not sure it will be even that good for December. Time (and Christmas) will tell.

In the meantime, having three new people living with me has meant increased utility costs but it's so nice to just hand over the bill and have my roommate pay her fair share. How come it never worked that way when my adult children lived here?

It's been easier and nicer than I thought to have my friend and her two children around the house. She cooks meals for her kids and includes me--I had forgotten that Diet Pepsi and nachos do not a meal make. How wonderful to come home to a warm home and a free meal.

Thanksgiving was the usual family madness but somewhat quieter than normal. My sister who lives in New York spent the week with me which is always fun. She comes with a list of restaurants she wants to try. Since it's at her expense, I joined her as much as possible.

We also got up at 5:00 a.m. to hit the local Black Friday half-price "socks and towels" sale. I don't get why people are proud of avoiding Black Friday, but then again, I don't get up at midnight to get the two flat-screen TV's some store is putting out either. Socks and towels are more my speed--no one is going to get killed over either of them.

Forward to Christmas!

Holiday Black Hole

I was reminded by this post at Always the Planner about the week-long black hole that follows Thansksgiving and Christmas. For whatever reason, the intense build-up to each of those holidays makes me think that's when the month ends.

But no!

I still have another week to go, and invariably, I am already out of money.

I may be able to make changes prior to Christmas, but it's too late for November.

Notwithstanding the lack of funds, Thanksgiving is shaping up nicely. My sister flies in from New York today, and, as always, Grace is hosting Thanksgiving dinner. While I like my Christmas to be small, Thanksgiving is an 'all comers' affair with my children and grandchildren free to invite anyone they want.

I do have a bit of a scam going. I sigh mightily and say in a forlorn voice that I will handle the turkey, but that means the family must come up with all the sides and desserts. As any good cook knows (which lets out most of MY kids!) the turkey takes half an hour of furious work, and then hours of doing nothing much. But it's been years and no one has caught on to me yet.

I hope your holiday goes well. Happy Thanksgiving.

Ya think? Time to Rethink Retirement?

Thanks to Mark's post at his blog, Go To Retirement, I came across this article from Businss Week.

The point is how people are having to rethink their retirement strategies.

Working longer is the main one. Of course there's nothing to rethink for those of us who already planned to work longer. My current goal is 69, but I could hold out for a year beyond that. But even longer? Hey, I want to enjoy some level of retirement so I have NO plans to work past age 70.

What I found disconcerting was the suggestion to forego the 4% rule--you know, the rule where drawing 4% of one's investments per year guarantees that we won't outlive our money? Apparently that rule no longer applies and the authors suggest that 3% would be a better model.

And I don't know what to make of the suggestion that we stop saving towards our retirment and spend the money now on travel or other things we might otherwise put off to a time when we might wind up unable to actually accomplish them. I understand the point, but for those of us who didn't start to seriously save until we were 50, there's no way we can put those savings on hold.

"Rethinking" is giving Grace a major headache.

The Dumpster

Here's the thing about dumpsters--they are such a great metaphor for any number of things. Life for one. If you're an optimist, you can see a massive clean-up as a good thing. Or, if you're a tad more cynical, you can think of the dumpster itself as life. While there is undeniable pleasure at simplifying one's life, there are also a lot of memories that wind up that huge metal can.

I thought I was going overboard when I got a 10-yard drop box--it holds 2000 pounds and it takes up most of my back yard. How would I ever fill it?

Fast forward two days, and that sucker is filled to the brim. Why exactly I was storing a broken pink desk is beyond me. Ditto the miscellaneous mattresses, all with various urine stains. And the two vacuum cleaners that throw sparks when turned on. Not to mention boxes of outdated clothing and toys, most of which wound up mildewed and were no longer usable.

Oh and then there's nearly 300 VHS tapes, which recycling centers no longer take--these were movies I copied, and since I mostly did that more than 20 years ago, the movies now resemble a Seurat painting--besides which I can't find my VHS player. But mixed among the home-videoed movies was the tape of my oldest daughter's wedding--it, too now just a mass of pixels.

A couple of my kids who were helping me clean things out got irritated when it turned out I had not taken close enough care of items they'd left behind as they moved into their adult lives. I don't recall promising to take care of their boxes, though I probably meant to. But a damp basement is a damp basement--and damage ensues. And when it does, into the dumptster the 'saved' items go.

So what am I learning from my dumpster? Cleaning house is every bit as hard as cleaning up one's finances.

They are Coming

The 'They' in question are a good friend, her two children, and their two pets.

Where they are coming, is to my state and, specifically, to my home. Our agreement is for a maximum six-month stay--less if my friend finds a job and a rental before then.

My friend was terminated from her position with the state of California after 20+ years on the job. 20 of those years were without any complaints, but a single misstep that would have resulted in a reprimand in the past landed her without a job. To make it worse, the state has contested her Unemployment Compensation in an effort to stop her from getting any benefits. She's not alone--eleven people in her department were similarly and summarily dismissed.

So now she's making the move to the pacific northwest.

Overall, this should work to my financial benefit in that I will have someone reliable to share utility expenses and upkeep. (Fortunately, my friend does have a savings account to cover her bills while she looks for work. Also, since living expenses are considerably less in my state than in California, she doesn't need to find work that pays what she used to make.)

BUT, the preparations are expensive.

First, I had to clean house. Sounds easy, but in reality, it takes not only a lot of time, but I wound up renting a dumpster. Second, I had to make my basement habitable--which means painting, steam cleaning the carpets, and paying my adult kids to help me wash down the walls and move furniture.

Then I had to fix up my kitchen. The truth is, when it's just me, I don't cook all that much. But my friend is a good cook and her children are used to home-made meals. Again, I'm looking forward to this,but that means I have to take a look around my kitchen and get it back in shape for actual use.

Oh, and I had to get more heating oil. Does anyone besides me find $3.79 a gallon on the outrageous side? Gas prices are going down, but apparently the heating oil market has yet to notice.

The family arrives on Veteran's Day. I've got less than a week to be ready. Can I start tearing my hair out yet?

Punch Drunk Finances

I'm up!

I'm down!

Mostly, I am very, very confused.

My October update is good. I decreased my total indebtedness by $1,574.80. But since I had INCREASED my debt in September, the net decrease is not quite that high--$1141.80.

Still, I'm glad to be back on track and to have the debt once again heading downward.

It's been a roller coaster watching my retirement funds--up, down, up, down, down, down, and now in the last couple of days, on the way up again.

I moved a couple of credit card balances around when Chase Slate offered no-charge balance transfers, and a 3.99 interest rate for the next year and a quarter. I make sure that I never go over 50% of my credit limits on any one card. For reasons I don't quite understand (personally, I'd never lend to me!) most of my cards have limits of $15,000 or more. The good news is that now the card with the highest interest is only 8.95% and most of my debt is either still on the introductory zero-interest or 2.99% or 3.99%. More of my hard-earned money is going toward the debt, not the interest.

So much for October. November and December are always expensive months but I do have a Christmas fund, which, with any luck, will cover my holiday expenses and allow me to keep reducing my total debt.

A Drop in Lifestyle Is Not Necessarily A Drop Into Poverty

I'm feeling a tad unsympathetic.

A good friend of mine, who has been earning over $200,000 a year as the head of a public relations firm saw her business go belly up a couple of months ago when her two best clients decided they could no longer afford PR services.

So she's going from $200,000 to zero, right?

As it happens, not exactly.

She brushed off her resume and five weeks later, has landed a position in another firm.

BUT (trust me, this BUT is bigger for her than it is for me), the new job pays $115,000 per year.

She hasn't stopped whining about it since.

Hmm--but maybe she has a lot of debt? Maybe she can't afford a pay cut?

Guess again. She paid off her student loans years ago; her two sons are grown, educated and on their own; Her home is paid for (though her beach house isn't); So are her two vehicles. Not to mention retirement funds that are in excess of two million (except maybe in the last month).

So what is the problem?

It's her lifestyle.

It's a two hundred thousand dollars a year lifestyle and she's ticked off to think that she must now muddle through on a mere $115,000. It's not that she can't live without her personal trainer and her beach house and her part-time chef (I am NOT kidding!) but that she REALLY doesn't want to. And she resents that she will not end her career as the head of her own agency, but as the 'underpaid' employee of someone else.

We've had our "everyone loses in a recession" talks, but I'm not in mood to equate her circumstances with those of my more truly poverty-stricken clients, any five of whom would gladly share that $115,000 per year that she now finds insufficient.

I think what I most resent is the apocalyptic tenor of our conversations. She believes her life is over. I think it's just in for a downsizing. Actually, since she's just 54, I think she still has time to take over her new firm! And who knows how much she might be making then.

But in the meantime, can we just agree that though her income is greatly reduced, she is not exactly a baglady? Puhleeeeez!

The REAL Way to Stick It To Bank Of America

I've been a Bank of America customer for over thirty years. It happened by accident, when I first opened a checking account as I headed off to college. That first account was at a local bank that got swallowed up by a regional bank that eventually was taken over by Bank of America. The names changed, but my account continued on.

When Bank of America announced they plan to charge $5 per month for debit card use beginning in early 2012, I figured our relationship was over--that I'd take my checking account, my two savings account and my credit card and go elsewhere.

For some reason, I thought that would show 'em!

But my retired banker sister has set me straight.

The truth is, Bank of America doesn't want me as a customer in the first place. I don't have $5000 in any of my accounts. In fact, I don't have $5000 even if you combine all three accounts. My mortgage is within 2.5 years of being paid off. More to the point, it's at a different bank. So that's the bottom line--Bank of America would be happy to see me go.

Forget that! I'm not in a mood to make Bank of America happy.

So--what to do?

It turns out the answer is easy. My account at Bank of America is free because I have a direct deposit from my employer made to it. I can continue that, but I can also easily transfer part of that money (the part that I refer to as my 'walking around money') to another bank--a credit union that does not plan to charge for debit card use. In the meantime, I can keep using the online bill pay that Bank of America provides for free, as well as the free savings accounts.

And if Bank of America doesn't like this?

Too bad. So sad.

I do recognize that some day the bank may figure out a way to get rid of me.

But that debit card charge won't be enough to do it.

Making Frugality Permanent. Or NOT.

Morrison at All Doors Considered has a post wherein she posits that our forced frugality of the moment may and should become a permanent mindset.

I'm not so sure about that.

I recently commented on of Sharon's posts in Musings of a Midlife Mom--telling her, quite accurately, that the moment I get my debts paid off, I intend to rehire a weekly housekeeper. Actually, I have a mental list of non-frugal items I intend to add back into my life, including two-ply toilet paper and non-generic English Muffins (Thomas, here I come!).

Some days, that list is what keeps me going.

Still, I expect that Morrison is right about some things--I don't see myself giving up the bargain hunting or the coupons. I've learned to rely on my local library for books, movies, and audio CD's. Even when I become able to purchase these items, for the sake of my very cluttered home, I don't plan to.

The biggest lesson I hope to take away is to stick with cash and give up the credit cards. Having been down the debt road for the majority of my working life, and now learning to live without it (OK, without incurring MORE of it), I see the ways in which I hope the new frugality becomes a permanent way of life.

Seniors, Health & Lessons to be Learned

It appears to me that when one reads about seniors and health, it's either dire (cancer, heart attacks, limited mobility and even more limited health coverage) or unealistically optimistic ("84-year-old climbs Mt. Everest"). I hardly ever see myself in these stories, even though I suspect I'm pretty normal when it comes to my health care needs.

I'm 62. I feel fine. I tend to rate my health as "good" but when I look at my health history, it may be that it is more in the "fair" range. I had a quadruple by-pass 2.5 years ago. I'm diabetic and have been for 12 years. The only reason I don't have high cholesterol or elevated blood pressure is that I religiously take medications that keep both within normal ranges. Ten months ago, I bowed to pressure from my nurse-practitioner and started to use insulin. It was a very good decision that has dramatically decreased my glucose levels, and, as it turned out, those who told me that the shots wouldn't physically hurt, were correct. That, too, is a good thing since I'm an utter weenie when it comes to injections.

I find myself surprised by those my age who are somehow proud of themselves for NOT taking cholesterol or blood pressure medications--as though admitting the need for them is, in itself, a failure. (Obviously, I'm talking about those of us who do have elevated numbers, not those fortunate enough not to need any medications.) This goes triple for diabetics moving from medications to insulin. I understand the latter since I, too, felt like taking insulin was an admission that I wasn't able to control my diet. Duh! I WASN'T able to control my diet. Call it what you will--lack of willpower, whatever. While I was ditzing around, promising to get my diet on track, my glucose numbers were ever-increasing. Insulin takes care of the problem. It could have taken care of the problem years before when the medications began to lose effectiveness (as they usually do after 6 to 8 years of use).

All of which leads me to Grace's Lesson for the Day--if what you're doing isn't working, FIND ANOTHER WAY!

I have a sneaking suspicion that this is a lesson that would work in my financial life as well as for my health.

A Variety of Thoughts

1. The End of the Month financial report is not good. Instead of a deficit reduction, I actually increased my debt by $433. My excuses are many and pathetic--one granddaughter's college tuition; another adult child's counselling (Trust me, this is a GOOD expense meeting a need that has existed for a long time!); Co-pays on TWO (Count'em, TWO) auto crashes, neither of them my fault. The first, which I mentioned in an earlier post, occurred during my June vacation when someone sideswiped my parked van. Four weeks later, a suicidal deer jumped in front of the same van. Each time I had to pay the deductible so there went $500. OK, so my total debt, including my mortgage is $91,695.

2. My quarterly net worth didn't fair any better--it's down $12,637 from last quarter (which had gone up almost that exact amount from the first quarter of the year, meaning I'm back where I started in January) But at $550,117, and given the vagaries of the real estate market, not to mention the stock market, I'm OK with that.

3. Bob Lowery often comments on this blog, and I have had his Satisfying Retirement blog in my blogroll for some time. But these days, he and his family can be found gracing Money Magazine as well.

4. Speaking of blogrolls, I regretfully removed Mein Taglich Brot from the list because Julie called it quits only a year and five months into it. Too bad because I enjoyed her perspective as a woman my age forced into an earlier retirement than anticipated as well as a bankruptcy.

Why Grace Shoulda been a Luddite

I love Science Fiction which you'd think would put me on the cutting edge of technology. But without the funds to buy into all the new technology, I've been content to wait until at least the second generation.

Maybe my electronics know they are second best?

Because all at once, they have bought the farm. Or at least vital parts of them have.

First my power cord to my laptop bent, then broke off--goodbye battery power!

Second, my Kindle, the casing of which I'd managed to crack during the first month I had it (over two years ago) suddenly wouldn't allow its power cord to charge the machine.

And finally, my landline which I get through my Comcast internet account stopped working.

Buying a power cord for the laptop was a trip. Locally, it would cost me at least $60. But on Amazon the range is from $2.99 to $80. Wow! $2.99? Well, maybe not, since the reviews kept mentioning how that particular adaptor caught on fire!

Ultimately, I spent $19 for an adaptor that included a 1 year warranty and generally acceptable reviews.

The telephone is still up in the air--meaning Comcast is sending out a repairer to figure out what's wrong and whether it is my fault or theirs. I'm thinking it's theirs, since I tried a couple of different phones, including a corded one, with no better results. If I'm wrong, it will be $60 for the house call.

And the Kindle?

Apparently no one repairs a Kindle. Which is a shame because I love my e-Reader. I may call in one of my daughters who, as a child, used to haunt garage sales, buy electronics and take them apart for fun. She still has a good record of 'figuring out how to fix things.' I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Saving & Budgeting--Two Entirely Different Things

I had a bit of an epiphany as I was setting out new goals for myself (because, as I said before, September always feels like the beginning of a new year to me). For the first time, I realized that I cannot 'budget' my savings. To do so is to virtually guarantee that I will fail to save anything.

Usually, I try to 'give every dollar a name' as Dave Ramsey famously tells us
when following his budget instructions. I set out all my expenses and whatever is left over is labeled 'Savings.' The trouble is, somewhere between paying the bills, putting money into the envelopes and seeing what remains, those remains, the 'savings' portion, gets smaller and smaller.

But I do know there's a better way.

Two years ago, as a way to get a 'free' savings account from Bank of America (by which I mean, an account that does not need to have any particular minimum balance in it to avoid an annoying $3 per month charge), I agreed to have $50 a month transferred from my checking account into the savings account.

There was no penalty for immediately transferring the money back to checking, so I figured this was a no-brainer method to get a fee-free savings account. But a funny thing happened on my way to transferring the money back--I often forgot to do it. $50 was a small enough amount that I didn't really miss it in my budget, yet it was a large enough amount to give me $600 a year for my Christmas account.

So Grace's particular epiphany? The way to save money is to take it off the top and get it out of my checking account. If it stays in my checking account it WILL get spent, and that's irrespective of all my good intentions NOT to spend it. The surprise is that once I do get the money out of my checking account, a certain inertia sets in, and even though I could easily move the money back, I tend not to.

So my first September resolution is to up that transfer to $75. It may be a mind game but for me, it's one that works.

EOM Miscellaney

1. I reduced my total debt by only $253.90 in August. To make myself feel better, I went back and checked how much I've knocked off my indebtedness since the first of the year: $6091.48. There! I feel better already!

2. I have a post (the one about mothers, daughters and money) in the current Carnival of Personal Finance, hosted by Stumble Forward (love that name for a financial blog!). Does anybody besides me actually read the Carnival? I do because I find new-to-me blogs through it. But in checking my Sitemeter stats, I don't see that being in the carnival has brought me even one reader.

3. Chase Flexible Rewards is offering free balance transfers and a 2.99% interest rate through 1/31/2013. So Grace joined the credit card shuffle, moving balances from cards charging 13.24% and 12.24% interest. It doesn't exactly save me money each month, but it does ensure that more of my payment goes toward balance reduction.

4. For whatever reason, and notwithstanding that its been 34 years since I was last in school, Labor Day always seems like the beginning of the year for me, and a time when I'm up for making new resolutions. Sadly, however, and much like the resolutions made in January, they don't always last. But never one to give up, I'll be spending the week-end working on them anyway.

Still on the topic of Mothers and Children

Just when I thought there was nothing more to say about the financial relationships between parents and kids, there's this story about "bad mothering."

Judging from the appellate court decision the mom in question is not going to win any parenting awards but gimme a break! Sending a birthday card (which I thought sounded both cute and funny) with NO MONEY in it is "outrageous conduct?" Refusing to buy a teen age girl acne medicine results in "acute emotional trauma?" And paying for the limo but not the prom dress (never mind demanding that the little darling be home by midnight and calling her when she doesn't arrive) is "inapproriate parental behavior?" Where are these two spoiled brats coming from?

And what kind of father actively participates in a lawsuit like this? Well, except for a father who is not only a lawyer, but a bitter divorced parent. What's weird is that it looks like Dad 'won' the divorce, in that he got physical custody of both kids. That wasn't enough for him or the children?

I guess Morrison and Terry and I are all lucky our daughters didn't find themselves lawyers.

The saddest financial aspect of this story is that the otherwise very reasonable judge who dismissed this case did NOT award the mother her court costs or attorney fees. I think these kids SHOULD have had some financial consequences for filing a case like this.

Mothers, Daughters & Money

Is there any relationship more fraught with drama than that of mothers and their daughters?

I say this as the mother of five daughters. Of course, if I'd had any male children, I might have a different story. Then again, maybe not.

Two of my favorite bloggers have been grappling with the intersection between finances and adult daughters. Morrison, at All Doors Considered, is in the mood to cut her daughter off. Terry, at A Little Bit About Everything is more conflicted.

Grace? She can relate to both of these mothers.

On one hand, my daughters do need financial help from me. On the other hand, they expect me to step in entirely too often. And on the third hand (something every mother has!) I am acutely aware that saving for my retirement has to be my highest priority.

All of the above leaves out the most important issue--the emotional one.

When I provide money to my daughters, I try to make it without strings. But the emotional binds are still there. Don't they owe me something, at least respect, for getting them through their tough times?

From their point of view, am I trying to buy that respect from them? If they need what I freely give, do they then owe me?

If I don't get the level of respect and financial understanding that I want or expect, should I then cut them off entirely?

I don't have any answers. Like Morrison and Terry, I'm just now learning to ask the questions.