Still on the topic of Mothers and Children

Just when I thought there was nothing more to say about the financial relationships between parents and kids, there's this story about "bad mothering."

Judging from the appellate court decision the mom in question is not going to win any parenting awards but gimme a break! Sending a birthday card (which I thought sounded both cute and funny) with NO MONEY in it is "outrageous conduct?" Refusing to buy a teen age girl acne medicine results in "acute emotional trauma?" And paying for the limo but not the prom dress (never mind demanding that the little darling be home by midnight and calling her when she doesn't arrive) is "inapproriate parental behavior?" Where are these two spoiled brats coming from?

And what kind of father actively participates in a lawsuit like this? Well, except for a father who is not only a lawyer, but a bitter divorced parent. What's weird is that it looks like Dad 'won' the divorce, in that he got physical custody of both kids. That wasn't enough for him or the children?

I guess Morrison and Terry and I are all lucky our daughters didn't find themselves lawyers.

The saddest financial aspect of this story is that the otherwise very reasonable judge who dismissed this case did NOT award the mother her court costs or attorney fees. I think these kids SHOULD have had some financial consequences for filing a case like this.

Mothers, Daughters & Money

Is there any relationship more fraught with drama than that of mothers and their daughters?

I say this as the mother of five daughters. Of course, if I'd had any male children, I might have a different story. Then again, maybe not.

Two of my favorite bloggers have been grappling with the intersection between finances and adult daughters. Morrison, at All Doors Considered, is in the mood to cut her daughter off. Terry, at A Little Bit About Everything is more conflicted.

Grace? She can relate to both of these mothers.

On one hand, my daughters do need financial help from me. On the other hand, they expect me to step in entirely too often. And on the third hand (something every mother has!) I am acutely aware that saving for my retirement has to be my highest priority.

All of the above leaves out the most important issue--the emotional one.

When I provide money to my daughters, I try to make it without strings. But the emotional binds are still there. Don't they owe me something, at least respect, for getting them through their tough times?

From their point of view, am I trying to buy that respect from them? If they need what I freely give, do they then owe me?

If I don't get the level of respect and financial understanding that I want or expect, should I then cut them off entirely?

I don't have any answers. Like Morrison and Terry, I'm just now learning to ask the questions.

Counting Pennies--Literally

I had to laugh when I read Meg's latest post at World of Wealth. Unlike myself, an older struggling woman trying to get her retirement in order, Meg is a young upper-income banker well on her way to financial success.

But that doesn't mean we don't get some of the same thrills just counting up our change!

At a post-Christmas sale at Walgreen's last year, I bought a child's toy bank--actually just a jar with a battery-operated lid that counted all the change inserted into the jar. It was 75% off and priced at $2.54. Never one to pass up a deal, I sprang for the purchase.

I must be easily pleased, because it really is a thrill to insert dimes and nickels and the occasional quarter and watch it all add up. I've emptied the jar twice so far, so it now stands pretty empty, with $12.90 in it.

I don't bother rolling the coins, but I fully understand Meg's delight in the process. Somehow it feels like found money.

Living With Bad Managerial Decisions

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to (with apologies to Leslie Gore).

I spent my week-end at my employer's Board of Directors meeting trying to head off impending lay-offs. Although the majority of union members showed up and offered to take wage freezes, furlough days and pension contribution cuts in order to save jobs and continue client service through the end of 2012 at no increased cost to the organization, our Board, in its infinite wisdom decided that lay-offs were the way to go.

Why? Because that's easier for a Board that meets only four times a year to handle. Never mind that they are laying off folks in the middle of an economic downturn. Never mind that the needs of our poverty-level clientele has never been greater.

I am just so saddened by these actions which strike me as short-sighted. Having worked in my field for the past 38 years, and having weathered four serious financial crises before this one, I know that predicting our organizations's finances three to five years down the road is a fool's errand.

So here's the kicker! On a personal level, the Board's decision works well for me. I am not one of those in danger of being laid off. Now, my wages won't be frozen, I won't have to take any furlough days (resulting in a 4% pay reduction) and all the current employer contributions to my 401(k) will continue to be made.

I should be happy, right?

Then why am I feeling so darn frustrated?

And depressed?

EOM Wrap-Up and Misc.

1. I lowered my total debt (including my mortgage) by $1093.97 during July. Pretty good for a summer month. August is the month I worry most about--not only do I have my grandkids visiting during that month, but the little darlings need school clothes, supplies and shoes. So, my total indebtedness right now (again, including my mortgage) is $91,516.35.

2. Am I the only one really tired of people comparing our country's fiscal crisis to our family budgets? I don't pretend to understand the financial or political ramifications surrounding the debt ceiling, but I'm pretty sure it's a tad more complicated than my personal finances. Everything in life is NOT simple nor has simplistic answers. I say this without reference to the respective culpability of Republicans or Democrats for the current mess.

3. I'm doing more work on my blogroll. Mapgirl seems to have disappeared (or at least not renewed her website), which is a shame. Hers was one of the first financial blogs I started reading. Shevy at Shevy's Miscellaneous Blog also appears to have left the blogosphere. I will miss her orthodox Jewish perspective on personal finance. On the other hand, I've also been reading Mutant Supermodel for quite awhile, so I'm not quite sure why she wasn't already on my list. Another addition is Yes, I am Cheap. Two of my favorite retirement bloggers are retiring from blogging as well, so farewell to For The First Time: Feminist Women Entering Retirement but I'm leaving Retirement: A Fulltime Job up for awhile to see if Syd decides to keep blogging after all. In the meantime, I'm adding Bob Lowry's Satisfying Retirement to my blogroll. Am I missing some other great blogs? Let me know.

Job Losses are a Bummer, Even When It Isn't My Job

Our agency is facing a major budget crunch. While my position is safe, those of nearly a quarter of our staff are at risk. Lay-off notices go out in mid-August.

Since I'm president of our white-collar union, I'm the one getting the panicked phone calls, the tears, the concerns of those staff members worried about their jobs and the concerns of other staff members who will have to pick up the slack--not an easy thing when we're all working at maximum capacity as it is.

So right now we are negotiating with management to see if we can cut back the number of affected employees by giving up certain financial rights we union members gained by tough bargaining two years ago. The truth is, I and most of my fellow workers WILL give up time and money to keep as many people employed here as possible.

But we differ on what we think it is reasonable to give up. Our time (and as a result a reduction in pay)? A wage freeze? A percentage or two of our pension payments? A lesser contribution toward health care? All of the above?

Some of us have budgets so tight now that any reduction in pay is going to hurt.

I'm hearing from folks who are the only employed member of their household; from people with serious chronic illnesses who are dependent upon our health benefits (which will be paid for four months after the lay-off notices, but after that, only the very expensive COBRA benefits will be available); from folks concerned about losing their homes or their vehicles.

In short, I'm learning much more than I ever wanted to know about the personal financial circumstances of the people I work with. Hardly any of these people have spent their money foolishly. But a number of them truly are only a paycheck away from disaster. This is especially true for the single parents among us.

Can you tell that I hate this?

College Ain't What it Used to Be

I started my undergraduate college in 1967. It was a revelation, and I can honestly say it opened my eyes to a whole new world outside of the small, homogenous, working class coastal town I'd grown up in. I was the first one in my family to even consider higher education. Heck, my mother was the only one who finished high school.

Thanks to scholarships, my college education cost me $54 a term.

But clearly it's a different world out there now.

This article from CNN just makes me sad.

Sad and angry--especially angry that an education could possibly cost anyone that much money, and sad that anyone would really think it is worth it to incur that level of debt.

I have five daughters, only two of whom have yet tried college. One started at age 30 and put herself through three years with Pell grants and her own earnings. She quit when a summer internship led her to the job of her dreams with the state. Another went for one semester, borrowing a small amount to supplement what her mother (Ahem! That would be Grace!) had saved for her. Had she not dropped out to be with her boyfriend (a whole other story, and needless to say, the boyfriend was history shortly thereafter!), I was prepared to sell my rental property in order to keep her in school.

But to incur $50,000+ in student loans? Or $100,000? Wow! Where were the parents? Didn't they offer any money or advice along the way? Where did these young people think their loan payments were going to come from?

I can't help it. I'm just shaking my head.

Age or Stress or Both?

Although I sometimes take issue with her answers, there's no doubting that Morrison at "All Doors Considered" often asks the right questions. In this post, she talks about juggling bank accounts and making mistakes. What she wants to know is if the mistakes are related to age or to financial stress.

First of all, let me raise my hand when it comes to making mistakes when using more than one bank account.

Two months ago, in order to score a free $125, I opened a Chase Bank checking account. To make sure that there are no monthly fees, I had to have a direct deposit of at least $500 per month. That didn't appear to be a problem because I have my primary mortgage with Chase, so my plan was to deposit enough money in the account once per month to cover the mortgage payment. Unfortunately, my employer insists that the same amount come out of each of my two paychecks to go into whatever bank accounts I direct. This is the trade-off for being allowed to direct deposits into two different accounts.

Bottom line? I now have to decide which bills come out of which account. It's not rocket science, but for some reason, my age-addled brain has been having problems figuring this out.

So it's my age, right?

Or could it be stress, because the REAL bottom line is that there isn't quite enough in either account to fully cover all of my bills plus my WAM (Walking Around Money, which includes my food budget and gas for the car).

Still, if I had to bet, I'd bet it's mostly about my age, and not my stress level.

I so often find myself groping for a name or a word, even though I have always prided myself on my memory. I know this is a function of being 62, but that doesn't mean I'm happy about it.

I dislike crossword puzzles, but I make myself do the New York Times Crossword daily because someone told me it was a way to prevent memory loss. Yet more and more, I find that I cannot complete the puzzle in one setting. I have to put it aside and come back to it at least an hour later, at which point I can somehow put together the words that failed me the first time.

If it weren't that the alternatives are worse, I'd really hate getting older!

The First Years of Retirement

I've been a fan of Sylvia Bereskin's blog For The First Time: Feminist Women Retiring with Gusto since she first started it. It's never been a financial blog, but rather, a meditation on how retirement changes (or doesn't change) one's life.

Sylvia is giving up her blog, but not without first wrapping up the fears, joys and valid concerns about retirement as she experienced them during the first two years.

It's a fascinating list, and I find myself in some of her descriptions-- does the word 'workaholic' sound familiar? I have been defined by my work for the past 38 years and it scares me a little to think about putting it aside. Not that I would ever give it up entirely--there are still numerous volunteer opportunities in my field. But so much of my life has been planned around my job or my family. The family is grown and, more or less, on their own now.

The work remains constant. What will it feel like to walk away from that?

But reading Sylvia's take on it makes me feel better. We are still making progress even when we leave a huge chunk of our previous life behind. And the adjustments, both positive and negative, can be suprising.

Surprises! My favorite part of life.

Quarterly Net Worth

My net worth is up this 2nd quarter of the year from last quarter by nearly $12,550, due largely to increases in value for my home and my rental. This brings my current net worth to $562,755. Before I start celebrating, I need to keep in mind that this is still some $2000 less than what I had in December, 2010.

June 2011 Wind-Up

OK--vacation's over and now it's back to real life, with no lobster or lazy mornings in sight.

Overall, I stayed within my vacation budget, thanks to my friends who traveled with me and my sister who covered my transportation and housing expenses.

I did decrease my overall debt by another $835.79, which is less than last month, but pretty good considering that it is summer. That leaves my total debt, including mortgage, as $92,610.32.

Onward to July!

Murphy Can Find You--Vacation or Not

Why I thought Murphy would be content to leave me alone while I am on vacation, I'll never know.

The disasters at home (some 3000 miles away!) range from minor (The toilet handle broke so, according to my daughter who is staying a the house while I'm gone, one has to lift off the top of the toilet and flush it by hand--an easy fix that can wait until I get home) to the seriously annoying (someone sideswiped my van parked in front of my home, knocking the front passenger wheel off--my insurance adjuster [thank God for e-mail] has already sent someone out to take pictures and will loan me a free rental car for the repairs when I return) to the crazy-making (As Union president, I was officially notified that our agency will be laying off up to 22% of the staff. While I have too much seniority to be laid off, it is likely we will negotiate an alternative plan for union-wide furloughs, which has a very direct effect on my wages).

Dang! Why couldn't Murphy wait until I get home?

Vacation On The Cheap

I've been hanging out on Maine coast for the past week, with another week to go.

The trip was possible due to the largesse of my baby sister who has a summer home in Maine.

There's a lot to be said for free airfare (courtesy of my sister's airline miles) not to mention a free (and lovely) home in a picturesque New England town.

Of course, even a free vacation comes with expenses. I rented a car. Fortunately, I am traveling with my sister and another couple we both like. So I split the cost of a vehicle with our guests. We've cooked a fair number of meals which has cut down expenses, but grocery stores don't give the food away. And we're in Maine. Which means lobster! Which means more expense.

Surprisingly, the most famous lobster place we've eaten so far, Red's Eats, turned out to be a disappointment. Lots of ice-cold, tough lobster meat piled on a hot dog bun. We ate better and more cheaply at the local lobster pound.

I did go to L. L. Bean, but I managed to resist their lure. My friends have hit every antique store within a 50 mile radius but I stayed back and read books (Four so far, including Willa Cather's "My Antonia" and "Cutting for Stone.")

I've also been playing tourist, hitting the Farnsworth Museum to see the Wyeth paintings and drawings, along with Louise Nevelson's works. Today, we went to Portland to tour the Wadsworth-Longfellow House. Both times, I was hoping for a senior discount, but on the east coast, to be a senior seems to require at least 65 years of life.

Mostly this vacation is for relaxation, and I'm making the most of it. Good food, good books, good friends, and lots of good times--what more could I ask for?

Especially when it isn't costing me all that much.

Respect & Debt Collections--That's a concept?

Every time I hear someone (including my own adult kids) say "I'd never work in fast food," I wonder why not? It's not that I'd love asking "Do you want fries with that?" but if that was the only job out there, you can bet Grace would take it.

Still, that begs the real question, which is, 'Are there jobs Grace could handle but would never take?" Sure there are--and becoming a debt collector is chief among them.

Now the New York Times reports that debt collectors want more respect.

Say what?

Did they just use 'respect' and 'debt collector' in the same sentence?

I don't think anyone should have to face profanity or threats over the phone, even people deliberately calling at 8:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning or during the evening dinner hour. But my advice would be the same for the collector in that instance as it is for the person being dunned--HANG UP THE PHONE! What would be lost? Is it at all likely that a debtor threatening to cut off the collector's arms, legs, or more intimate parts has the money to pay the debt?

Am I supposed to be sad for the collector who has trouble getting cell phone numbers for those they are trying to chase down? Do they really think getting access to debtors' e-mail accounts would get the bills paid more quickly? Personally, I think e-mail collections would be fine--isn't that why spam filters and the delete button were invented?

I get a lot of collection calls on my landline since I've had it over twenty years and several of my children use that number on their (unfortunately, delinquent) accounts. Thanks to Caller ID, I seldom bother to pick up any of these calls. But in addition to the robocalls (does anyone really stay on the line when mechanically told "Please hold for an important call?"), lately I've gotten calls left on the answering machine whereby the mechanical voice says "Because you didn't hang up, we can assume that you are [X, the debtor]" and goes on to reveal details of the owed debt that collectors are forbidden to given to third parties.

Hence the lawsuits that the debt collection businesses find so annoying.

Pardon me if I'm not sympathetic.

Really?

It never occurred to you anyone other than the debtor would listen to answering machine messages?

A few years ago, my youngest daughter and I got our kicks harrassing the collectors back, but now I let the answering machine pick up.

I still wouldn't work for a debt collector.

I'd rather sell used cars!

May Miscellany

1. Back to the subject of health care, I was appalled to read this Politifact article wherein it turns out that Newt Gingrich was correct in pointing out that a substantial number of folks making at least $75,000 a year (21% of all Americans with no health insurance) nonetheless do not have health coverage. Notwithstanding the families like the Dubinskys who cannot get health insurance (or, at least, cannot get it easily), that still leaves a whole lotta folks who don't see health coverage as a primary budget need. What planet are they on?

2. I've got a post in this week's Carnival of Personal Finance, hosted by My Personal Finance Journey. Lots of good reading, and a glimpse into some hotel rooms where Grace will NOT be staying any time soon!

3. It's Memorial Day week-end coming up, so the likelihood of me making another post before next week is not high. I hope everyone enjoys the holiday.

May Wrap-Up--Lookin' Good

In terms of paying off debt, May is my best month so far this year. A grand total of $1845.09 bit the dust. Of course, this means that there is still $93,446.11 (including my first and second mortgages on my residence) remaining, but I'm feeling very good about this.

With summer on the horizon (not that you would know it from all the rain we're having in the Pacific NW), the chances are not high that June will look as good.

But for now, I'm enjoying the feeling!

Not-So-Extreme Couponing

This has been a financially tight week me.

For one glorious day last week-end I had over a hundred extra dollars.

Then, on Monday, I discovered I'd somehow forgotten to make my $162.00 car payment. It was, at that point, two days overdue with attendant late charges.

I was once again, behind on my budget. When that happens, the only two places to make up the difference are with the gas money or the food money. We all know the story about gas prices, so I was looking forlornly at my food budget and wondering if now was the time to start a starvation diet.

But then I hauled out my coupon stash, stuffed not-so-neatly into an ecologically correct but seldom used reusable grocery bag.

Therein, I found salvation.

For readers who never let fast food darken their palate--STOP READING NOW!

As it happened, my bag held a coupon for a free Arby's chicken salad sandwich and another for a free McDonald's frozen Strawberry Lemonade. Great! They took care of one night's dinner. And isn't it lucky that my neighborhood Arby's is next to the McDonald's?

My handy Entertainment Book had a Jack in the Box coupon for two free tacos. And the newspaper insert was giving away free Lara bars. As it happens, my neighbor always gives me her coupons from the Wednesday paper, so make that TWO free Lara bars. Voila! Another balanced meal!

I was signed up for a two-day educational conference, which took care of breakfast and lunch both days, and, in fact, provided extras for yet another dinner. But wait! There's more! Included in our materials were two coupons for free Starbucks drinks.

So while I don't have shelves full of couponed freebies hidden in my garage, I'm still proud of how I managed to both eat and not spend money this past week. Though maybe next time, I'll just keep a closer eye on that car payment!

Healthcare in Retirement? What Are We Thinking?

There's an interesting new study out from Sun Life Financial that looks at how we currently think about healthcare during retirement.

The study doesn't pretend to give us answers. Its purpose is to see what or how we're approaching retirement healthcare issues.

At least we ARE thinking about it, or at least those of us coming up on retirement are.

But I have to admit, with my retirement date 7.5 years away, the only things I know for sure are that I will be eligible for Medicare (since I expect to retire at age 69, well beyond the date Medicare kicks in, at age 65) and I will have to pay for some level of additional coverage.

I'm not sure that qualifies as a "plan."

While I am lucky to have pretty good health benefits from my current employer, there will be no pension and no continued employer-paid healthcare when I leave. I will have Social Security, Medicare, and my 401 (k). Period.

Where I am fortunate is that I'm not among the 9% of the study responders who have already raided their retirement savings to cover unanticipated medical costs. As longtime readers know, my $47,000 quadruple by-pass surgery two years ago cost me a mere $50 in out-of-pocket medications and follow-up office visits.

At some point, I need to assign a dollar figure to what I will need and what I can get in additional health insurance coverage. To me, that's the point at which I will have a genuine plan.

I did find the study interesting when it posited that 53% of those responding are changing their lifestyle in more positive directions. I believe that, but I'm not sure I believe it is because these people are concerned about future health care costs.

For myself, I'm trying to get healthier because I can't stop getting older, and I'd like to stave off death as long as possible!

Grace and the Gas Monster

The rising price of gasoline is wreaking havoc on my finances. I budget $60 every 15 days. That used to buy me a full tank with ten or more dollars left over. Nowadays, it won't even completely fill the tank. I currently pay $3.83 a gallon.

According to Gas Buddy, there is one station a long way from me that charges 10 cents per gallon less but otherwise, my neighborhood Arco station is among the least expensive places to go. Supposedly, we may see some relief around Memorial Day week-end, at last according to the LA Times. That would be nice, but I'm not counting on it.

The frustrating thing is that I do live in a city with excellent public transportation, and I have an annual pass that is heavily subsidized by my employer. So I don't quite know where all my mileage is going.

Last week, I made a concerted effort NOT to use my car. It did not go well. It was my week to shop for groceries, which took me to three different stores, not one close to the other. I could have taken the bus, but since I shop for a month, I didn't want to be lugging bags of groceries by bus. Then one of my daughters needed help moving so it was Mom's minivan to the rescue. And then, and then . . . [many excuses later] I was riding around with a gas gauge that was perilously close to empty.

I'm going to try this experiment again this next week--we'll see.

Mother's Day is Every Day

Revanche, at A Gai Shan Life, has been writing for awhile about her need to financially support her parents and her disgust at her brother continuing to take adavantage of them. But buried in the heart of her posts is puzzlement that her parents are so vulnerable to her brother's needs while taking her help for granted.

I hear her, loud and clear.

I do wonder, sometimes, how my children see my entirely inconsistent financial assistance to them and if they harbor ill will either to me or to their sibings, as a result.

I have five daughters, each of them special to me in her own way, I adopted them as older children, and each was reared largely as an only child or, at most, with one other child in the home. All have special needs ranging from organic brain damage to severe emotional disturbance. I was warned that two of them might never be able to function on their own as adults. But they are all adults now, and they all do live outside my home.

I contribute, in various ways and amounts to all of my daughters and to their children. It rather shocked me to add everything up and discover that it comes to $653 a month.

Whenever I bring my expenses for my children and grandchildren up in this blog, I can count on (largely anonymous) responses about "enabling," and suggestions that my children will never learn good money management unless I stop helping them.

But most of my daughters are doing well, given their handicaps. They have jobs, they pay taxes, they care for their children. To demand that they also do a good job of managing their money is ignoring their intellectual and emotional limitations.

So I step in.

When I can't convince one daughter that auto insurance should be at the top of her list of expenses (instead of the first one eliminated when things get tight for her), I pay it. When one grandchild wants to go to college and is intellectually able to do so in spite of her more limited parents, I pay the tuition. When one child's health insurance does not cover dental, I tell her to go anyway and I pay the bill.

I buy monthly bus passes for two of my daughters, neither of whom can or should drive, both of whom have jobs.

And sadly, each month I deposit money for one of my daughters, whose behavior and addiction has landed her in jail. Jails, as I have discovered, charge for underwear, writing materials and stamps, all at exorbitant prices. And no, I can't just send those materials to her.

But it is this latter child who is most jealous of the amounts of money that go to her sisters. She normally gets SSI but once a person is in jail for more than 30 days, SSI payments are suspended. She feels like I should give money equally to each of my kids, which would increase the money I deposit for her.

I don't.

I don't treat my daughters equally. The amounts I spend are flexible though I've done it for so long now that most of the expenses are fixed.

When I get the 'enabling' responses, I do heed them. But then I think that these posters cannot know the mechanics of my family nor the issues my daughters struggle with on a daily basis.

What will happen when I die? Good question. My most seriously disturbed child (the one currently in jail) will have any money I leave her managed by a local foundation for special needs children. The others? I'm still working out the details. I may use the foundation for them, too, though they function at a much higher social level than the one receiving SSI. I do have a will, and at this point, they will be in charge of their own money once I die. But I may have to rethink that position.